As far as I am concerned, this is my official diagnoses. The Zoloft I was taking for antepartum and then postpartum depression drugged McKenna and prevented her from developing normally.
For several months McKenna had no emotions or personality and could not and would not move her body. We could be nice and say, "Oh, it wasn't that bad" "She's such a doll" or "All babies are special." Blah, Blah. I knew something was wrong outside of everyone's "All babies develop differently." I knew when I looked into her eyes that she was not acting the way she was meant to. I knew.
I told a few friends exactly how I felt. I joked about her being delayed, but I was actually quite serious. But I still did know exactly what was wrong or why. When McKenna turned 9 months in March 2010, I weened her from nursing (and Zoloft) in 1 day. Ten days later she was a normal baby and trying to crawl. There is no doubt in my mind that drug was in her system and affecting her brain. End of Story.
But for people who might wonder about the affects of Zoloft on babies, here is the whole story from the very beginning:
In Jan. 2009 I started to feel sad all the time. I started to think people hated me. I started to get angry really easily. I was 5 months pregnant with McKenna. In Feb. 2009 my nurse midwives prescribed Zoloft, which completely changed my emotions in 3 days. I was on top of the world. I laughed a lot for no reason for about 2 months, and then things leveled out. I loved my Zoloft. At first I assumed I would only take it for a few weeks to get sort of a jump start in my brain, but my nurses said I should not ween from the drug until after the baby came.
When McKenna was born in June 2009, they told me to continue taking Zoloft because people with antepartum depression like I had have a 95 percent correlation for diagnoses of severe post partum depression. They said I should stay on it for at least 5 months. That would have meant weening in November. They said "No" to that because it is unadvised to ween during the winter. So fine. I stayed on it.
When McKenna was 4 months, she was calm and peaceful -- a little too peaceful. I asked her doctor if she might be getting too much Zoloft from my breast milk, and he said, "Moms with happy babies should not complain." So I shut up about it.
She rolled over late and didn't get teeth, but that seemed fine and normal. But then I noticed a problem between 6 and 9 months. She could roll over but would not. She could sit up but would not. She never got mad. She didn't really care about any toy or person. She was social, but didn't have any strong attachments. No paci. No lovey. No favorites of any kind. This was nothing like my older daughter, but I assumed it was just a personality thing.
At 6 months she could sit up, but she showed no interest in crawling. She would never sit up from laying down, and while she said, she never put her hands near the ground -- never touched the ground to try to move or crawl. She never reached for toys (not even a little.) She used to get sad when she saw me walk out of a room, but that was it. She made no attempt to follow me, no attempt to crawl or move in anyway. I used to put a row of toys one to two feet away from her. She would just sit in front of the row for an hour and never reach for the toys.
I kept her on a regular food schedule because she never really fussed for food. The only time she ever fussed was when she was really tired, and I would just put her in her bed. To her credit she did let her personality show a little at bed time. She did cry a lot and only slept through the night when she wanted to.
I used to look into McKenna's eyes and feel this crazy connection to her. I had a strong feeling that she felt more emotions than she was showing. I felt like she and I were meant to be the same (emotional and loud) but that for some reason she was not acting like herself or all emotional and crazy like me. Everyone said, "She's like your husband and daughter," but I just had such a strong feeling that she was supposed me like me.
When McKenna was about to turn 10 months and still showing zero signs of wanted to crawl, I decided I wanted to ween her so I could get pregnant again. I quit nursing in one day. (ouch) A few days later I noticed that McKenna was crying a lot. I remember thinking a few says later, "She's starting to like things. I should write these things down." And within 10 days she started reaching for toys and screaming when she got sad. She went a month without sleeping through the night. She started laughing a lot and showing all kinds of emotions. Within 3 weeks from weening, she started crawling. She reaches for bottles and screams when she wants one. She talks and plays and investigates. The first few times she sat up by herself from laying on her back, she cried because she was confused.
She still does a few weird things. She crawls on her butt with her hands in front of her. And she will not stand up. Not on my lap. Not holding on to a table or toy. She does not even like to stand up in a walker toy. Not sure if it is related. I think it has something to do with the muscles in her legs, but I wouldn't take that to the bank.
But what it comes down to it this. She had to have enough Zoloft in her that it was completely changing her personality. I have no doubt in my mind that the Zoloft in my breast milk affected her serotonin and prevented her from living and feeling normally. It is fine and dandy for that to happen in my adult brain, but I am very uncomfortable with that happening in a new little brain that is not fully developed or prepared for foreign substances.
Her body was reacting exactly the way my body reacts to the drug. Several close friends pointed out that all the things I was saying about McKenna when I did not know what was wrong are very similar to things I used to say about myself and Zoloft. One posiblity is that she and I are especially sensitive to SSRI's, the class of drugs that Zoloft falls in to. I know I have a way stronger reaction to 50 mg than I am suppose to. Maybe McKenna was the same way.
I am not sure what I would not differently. I loved nursing McKenna. I even loved that she stayed a baby for longer, but I hate that I did not know what was going on and was not able to make an informed decision. I hate that there might be lasting damage and that no doctor will ever know exactly what happen and probably won't really believe my story. I hate that in 20 years if she needs antidepressants that I will wonder if I started that for her. I will always wonder if her brain would have developed differently.
I am not sure I will feel guilty, but I will always wonder. I did the best I could. I needed that drug. It made me a better mom, but I do not think I would have nursed her. I do not think it was safe for her. No matter what the studies say about the "trace amounts" that transport into the baby's blood stream, I know that those trace amounts drugged my baby. They changed her brain, and that is so scary.
I guess the other scary part for me is that if the pharmaceutical companies and doctors do not know what is happening to my baby, how can I trust them to know what is happening to me or anybody else.
Next step: Not sure. I'd like to ween from Zoloft as soon as possible. I just don't trust it. Maybe Essential oils to cure depression. Who knows? It might work.
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