Kenna's Awesome Video

Amazing Changes

Well, I think McKenna has finally turned into the girls I always knew she was. She is adventurous, sweet, funny, loving, independent. It is so fun to watch.

No Zoloft, she was quiet and small. Then off Zoloft, her personality got big and loud and scared and angry. But now we have a compromise again, and it is beautiful. She is just such a big girl. She plays and likes books and climbs on everything. She is not as scared of people. She loves to sing. She does the hand motions for twinkle, twinkle and the itsy-bitsy spider. She is passionate about stairs and wants to climb them at all costs. Sometime we just let her, and she (almost) never falls down. She teases Quinn by pulling her hair and taking things from her just to see her reaction. She still gives kisses by putting her forehead on your lips. She eats more food now and loved a green drink that Quinn will not touch. She can stand in the middle of the room without even putting her hands on the ground, and yesterday she totally understood when my friend Melissa said, "Come here, Kenna, walk to Melissa." And she really tried hard to do it. She was pulling on the ottoman trying to walk away from it, but her little mind wouldn't give her quite enough courage. She turned to Melissa, smiled and shook her head, "No." She loves the beach and charged for the incoming waves over and over again while we were in California. She would get wet, cry, crawl away and head right back in. She loved it.

Big personality, and so much fun!! (Plus Beautiful!) That is my Kenna today!

Favorites

McKenna has some favorites:

Necklaces -- She crawls around the house collecting them and putting them on. If she finds a cords ... it turns into a necklace. Real Safe...

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star -- She loves this song with all her heart. She can be screaming and this song makes her smile. When I sing a different song to her, she opens and shuts her fist to tell me she wants Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

Baby Dolls -- When she finds a baby doll, she hugs it and rocks it and tucks it under her arm to keep crawling around the house.

Telephones -- She loves phones. She loves to "answer" the phone and then hand it to me so I can talk. If she can't find a phone, she will use anything that remotely looks like a phone.

Music -- She loves the DVD player. I put burned CD's in the player. She pushes the open button, takes then out and puts then back in. She pushes play and moves on to other toys. She also has quite the pretty head bang dance.

Cords -- See "necklaces" above.

McKenna's Birthday Party

One year later

Birthday Do-over

So, tomorrow is McKenna's new official birthday this year. The miscarriage seriously collided with her special day. Since we couldn't move the miscarriage, we moved the birthday.

So ... tomorrow... Happy Birthday, McKenna! We'll have mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast with fresh berries. Her party will be tomorrow night. (Family and close friends. But basically it's come one, come all. Come join us for ice cream after Family Night.) I'll be baking a way cute cake today that looks like the party invites, and I'll be buying balloons first thing in the morning.

I'm working from home tomorrow and baking brownies on my lunch break for the ice cream sundae bar. (The only kind of bar this house will ever see...) There is a stack of gifts waiting for the birthday girl, and the weather says it is going to be sunny and warm. So, we are ready to celebrate.

Plus, I already took those adorable pics of McKenna on her "real" birthday, so no pressure there!!! Love it. Happy Birthday, Kenna-boo.

Birthday Pics Part 1

Happy Birthday, Baby.

McKenna turned 1 year old today!

(Technically we are not celebrating the big event until next week because I had a miscarriage yesterday and couldn't pull it off the way I think McKenna deserves.)

But I was able to pull a few things together for my little one today after all. We spent some time together as a family this morning, and Kenna opened her first gift. It was a gift bag with two Zhu-Zhu pets inside. The girls played with them in the morning. Kenna went back and worth between loving them and being just scared enough to crawl into my lap to watch them cruise around the house from a safe distance.

I was feeling better after our naps today and decided to try to really enjoy the birthday with my girls. I put together the sand and water table that Kenna got from Grammy and Grandpa John, and then, of course, we needed some ... SAND!

So, I took the girls for Ice Cream and to get some sand. We also stopped to eat very bright pink cupcakes. Quinn and I sang Happy Birthday, and McKenna dug in. I was really happy. I love my kids so much, and it meant a lot on this not so great day to be close to my angels and to show them how much I care.

As for my little 1 year old: Kenna is a new baby everyday.

She is pulling up and stand up next to things, and now that she has figured it all out, she's got guts.

Today she was very passionate about learning to climb up stairs.

She also got a new tooth, and she kept her shoes for the first time. She decided to give shoes a try so she could stand up at the water table outside without ouchy feet.

She used a spoon to eat her cupcake and then practiced eating yogurt with a spoon. I let her make a huge mess at the table, and she was so happy.

And then I put her in the bath with Quinn, and they played together and had a great time.

She ate sand today and liked it. Then she went back for more.

She turned her spider monkey crawl into a much more normal funny looking crawl, and she managed to learn to hold something in one arm while she cruises around. And for the first time today she took her bottle with her and drank along the way.

Tonight she laughed historically when I knelt down by her crib for her good night prayers. She pulled her head up to the bars and laughed out loud over and over again. She thought it was great.

She has her own soul, and she is full of love and life.

She's also like a parrot and can repeat anything I say. She says "Mama" and "Dada," and she'll try to say anything. (Quinn was very careful about not trying out a new word until she knew it would come out right.)

Kenna is her own girl. I adore her. She is cuddly, and when she wants to cuddle, she puts her head all the way over to one side and smashs her head into my chest. She rips out clips and head bands and throws them as far away as possible. She reaches up to play the piano. And once she gets playing with a toy or drawer of junk, she never looks back. She gets in her own world -- a world that I look forward to being a part of forever.

Happy Birthday, baby girl! I love you so much. You really make me feel complete and happy and full of purpose. One year ago today, you brought some crazy love into our home and made us feel like a family. You made me feel real and wonderful. Thanks, baby.

Great Day

McKenna has been a crazy person lately. Moody, emotional, needy. Not eating. Not sleeping. Not even drinking bottles.

But today she was a rock star. She ate chicken and apple sauce. She finished bottles, played by her self and stood up in her crib for the very first time. Then she stood up by the baby gate, smiled a ton, crawled into my lap for hugs and kisses, and sat with me to sing songs for about 20 minutes. It was a great day.

It was also the day I found out my next baby is on its way. I might have panicked to sit there thinking about a baby coming while staring at my 1 year old as she acts like a crazy 6 month old. Scary, but today she showed great potential for learning to walk and talk someday and be normal someday. :)

Mckenna is standing in her bed today for the first time. 11 months and 3 weeks, and the day i got the good news.

Lizza just gave me the sad truth that my baby officially only likes processed foods. Dear me!!

Starting to Stand

At 11 1/2 months, little McKenna is starting to stand up. Emphasis on "starting." He funny scoot and now a funny spider money or gorilla walk. Her crawl changed after I took her to the chiropractor and he adjusted two spots on her back. Her feet make a lot more contact with the ground now.

And if she is in an amazing mood, she will hold our hands and stand up. But basically she hates it and is just doing it to humor us. Grandma gave her a little standing boot camp, but I do not see much improvement. But as I have said, there is no rush!! I love my baby who is a baby forever!!

Of course she stole the show during out visit to Arizona this week. Everybody loved her. She was an angel and slept great! I was so happy. She was also great in the car, but she fought sleep the whole time and got delirious. Poor thing had a wet diaper most of the trip. Sorry, baby!!

McKenna and the big bounce

So, Kenna just flew down the stairs. I've never seen anything like it. It was horrible.

Tim, Quinn and I are really good at closing the baby gate at the top of the stairs. But this afternoon I was searching my friend's recipe blog, and Quinn was hitting me and screaming about something I had already said "no" to. "Time for a break in your room."

I took her down stairs and forgot to close the baby gate. Quinn was screaming, slamming, kicking, and being quite the problem. I was standing outside of her closed door when I heard a little sound from McKenna, and I just knew she was leaning head first over the stairs. Next thing I new I heard a few thumps. I screamed and ran as fast as I could to the stairs. Before I could get there, she flew into my sight as she bounced off the last stair. It was really horrible. She lay there for a second, and than starting crying the same way she would if I had just taken the remote control away. Nothing more. Nothing less. I picked her up. She cried for a few seconds and stopped.

Tim came running from our room when he heard me scream. He walked right passed me and Kenna and went to help Quinn. It was like an old routine or like two ships passing in the night. No one freaked out. We just surveyed the situation and went on with things.

I've said it before, and I will say it again. It always surprises me how non-dramatic the actual dramatic situations are. Think of how loud and crazy I was yesterday just typing all about how Zoloft tried to "kill" my baby. Then today I let her fall down the stairs, and we just go about our business. It always works that way with us. Like when my kids throw up, it is like a major event, but when they are in the hospital, it is like "Does the little shop next door sell ice cream?" Because what can you do? When it is major, you can't change it or fix it. You just have to survive and move on. When it is not major, you get all crazy and you have time to think, "Is this major?" Knowing is half the battle.

So, anyway, Kenna seems to be unscathed from her ride down the stairs, but I am a little worried. She's acting all normal, but I am just worried she will have bruises or pain. I would not go so far as to say I am worried about internal injuries, but I probably am. I think she is fine. But I do wonder if I should take her to the Dr. Olsen, the magic chiropractor. I think I will.

And maybe I'll cut Zoloft some slack. Ah ... perspective.

It's Official ... Zoloft Drugged McKenna-Benna

As far as I am concerned, this is my official diagnoses. The Zoloft I was taking for antepartum and then postpartum depression drugged McKenna and prevented her from developing normally.

For several months McKenna had no emotions or personality and could not and would not move her body. We could be nice and say, "Oh, it wasn't that bad" "She's such a doll" or "All babies are special." Blah, Blah. I knew something was wrong outside of everyone's "All babies develop differently." I knew when I looked into her eyes that she was not acting the way she was meant to. I knew.

I told a few friends exactly how I felt. I joked about her being delayed, but I was actually quite serious. But I still did know exactly what was wrong or why. When McKenna turned 9 months in March 2010, I weened her from nursing (and Zoloft) in 1 day. Ten days later she was a normal baby and trying to crawl. There is no doubt in my mind that drug was in her system and affecting her brain. End of Story.

But for people who might wonder about the affects of Zoloft on babies, here is the whole story from the very beginning:

In Jan. 2009 I started to feel sad all the time. I started to think people hated me. I started to get angry really easily. I was 5 months pregnant with McKenna. In Feb. 2009 my nurse midwives prescribed Zoloft, which completely changed my emotions in 3 days. I was on top of the world. I laughed a lot for no reason for about 2 months, and then things leveled out. I loved my Zoloft. At first I assumed I would only take it for a few weeks to get sort of a jump start in my brain, but my nurses said I should not ween from the drug until after the baby came.

When McKenna was born in June 2009, they told me to continue taking Zoloft because people with antepartum depression like I had have a 95 percent correlation for diagnoses of severe post partum depression. They said I should stay on it for at least 5 months. That would have meant weening in November. They said "No" to that because it is unadvised to ween during the winter. So fine. I stayed on it.

When McKenna was 4 months, she was calm and peaceful -- a little too peaceful. I asked her doctor if she might be getting too much Zoloft from my breast milk, and he said, "Moms with happy babies should not complain." So I shut up about it.

She rolled over late and didn't get teeth, but that seemed fine and normal. But then I noticed a problem between 6 and 9 months. She could roll over but would not. She could sit up but would not. She never got mad. She didn't really care about any toy or person. She was social, but didn't have any strong attachments. No paci. No lovey. No favorites of any kind. This was nothing like my older daughter, but I assumed it was just a personality thing.

At 6 months she could sit up, but she showed no interest in crawling. She would never sit up from laying down, and while she said, she never put her hands near the ground -- never touched the ground to try to move or crawl. She never reached for toys (not even a little.) She used to get sad when she saw me walk out of a room, but that was it. She made no attempt to follow me, no attempt to crawl or move in anyway. I used to put a row of toys one to two feet away from her. She would just sit in front of the row for an hour and never reach for the toys.

I kept her on a regular food schedule because she never really fussed for food. The only time she ever fussed was when she was really tired, and I would just put her in her bed. To her credit she did let her personality show a little at bed time. She did cry a lot and only slept through the night when she wanted to.

I used to look into McKenna's eyes and feel this crazy connection to her. I had a strong feeling that she felt more emotions than she was showing. I felt like she and I were meant to be the same (emotional and loud) but that for some reason she was not acting like herself or all emotional and crazy like me. Everyone said, "She's like your husband and daughter," but I just had such a strong feeling that she was supposed me like me.

When McKenna was about to turn 10 months and still showing zero signs of wanted to crawl, I decided I wanted to ween her so I could get pregnant again. I quit nursing in one day. (ouch) A few days later I noticed that McKenna was crying a lot. I remember thinking a few says later, "She's starting to like things. I should write these things down." And within 10 days she started reaching for toys and screaming when she got sad. She went a month without sleeping through the night. She started laughing a lot and showing all kinds of emotions. Within 3 weeks from weening, she started crawling. She reaches for bottles and screams when she wants one. She talks and plays and investigates. The first few times she sat up by herself from laying on her back, she cried because she was confused.

She still does a few weird things. She crawls on her butt with her hands in front of her. And she will not stand up. Not on my lap. Not holding on to a table or toy. She does not even like to stand up in a walker toy. Not sure if it is related. I think it has something to do with the muscles in her legs, but I wouldn't take that to the bank.

But what it comes down to it this. She had to have enough Zoloft in her that it was completely changing her personality. I have no doubt in my mind that the Zoloft in my breast milk affected her serotonin and prevented her from living and feeling normally. It is fine and dandy for that to happen in my adult brain, but I am very uncomfortable with that happening in a new little brain that is not fully developed or prepared for foreign substances.

Her body was reacting exactly the way my body reacts to the drug. Several close friends pointed out that all the things I was saying about McKenna when I did not know what was wrong are very similar to things I used to say about myself and Zoloft. One posiblity is that she and I are especially sensitive to SSRI's, the class of drugs that Zoloft falls in to. I know I have a way stronger reaction to 50 mg than I am suppose to. Maybe McKenna was the same way.

I am not sure what I would not differently. I loved nursing McKenna. I even loved that she stayed a baby for longer, but I hate that I did not know what was going on and was not able to make an informed decision. I hate that there might be lasting damage and that no doctor will ever know exactly what happen and probably won't really believe my story. I hate that in 20 years if she needs antidepressants that I will wonder if I started that for her. I will always wonder if her brain would have developed differently.

I am not sure I will feel guilty, but I will always wonder. I did the best I could. I needed that drug. It made me a better mom, but I do not think I would have nursed her. I do not think it was safe for her. No matter what the studies say about the "trace amounts" that transport into the baby's blood stream, I know that those trace amounts drugged my baby. They changed her brain, and that is so scary.

I guess the other scary part for me is that if the pharmaceutical companies and doctors do not know what is happening to my baby, how can I trust them to know what is happening to me or anybody else.

Next step: Not sure. I'd like to ween from Zoloft as soon as possible. I just don't trust it. Maybe Essential oils to cure depression. Who knows? It might work.

More Teeth

I noticed yesterday that Kenna has two more little teeth poking out of her upper gums. So cute. More teeth. All the better to down a banana with, right baby? Not sure when they poked through, but I just saw them yesterday. If nannies are smart, they would never tell moms things like, "She walked today" or "She got her first front tooth." That is a sure way to get fired. :) When Kenna walks, I want to THINK that I saw it first.

So cute

Oh, my sweet McKenna! I just about fell in love with this baby all over again today. She took a bath with me after my half marathon. She was so cute and so happy. She is starting to nod her head "Yes," and I love it. And she likes to play games with Tim where they pass a bath toy back and forth in their mouths. She copies him perfectly and shakes her head with the toy in it so he can't get it. She loves it. She is still doing her gymnastics scoot as I like to call it. She sits in a straddle position, and then uses her hands to push herself forward like a gymnastics strength trick. She is getting really fast at it, too.

Not sure what happen, but her hair stinks. It used Selsen Blue shampoo on it about a week ago, and ever since then, it has smelled like burnt hair. I used oils and all kids of yummy smelly shampoo, and it will not go away. Too bad. Tim thinks the hair got fried my the shampoo, and it will stay like this until it grows out. So sad, stinky baby.

Done. 3 hours, 34 minutes. Three smiling faces waiting for me at the finish. Waiting for Grandpa John.

Kenna is army crawling today!!

10 Months

My angel is 10 months today. She is scooting around the front room like a gymnast. The girl just likes to have her butt on the ground. She doesn't like to stand or hang out on her hands and knees. She keeps her back really straight and her legs open in a "V" shape. Then she puts her hands on the ground and puts her whole body weight on her hands. Then she scoots forward. It seems like a lot more work than it is worth, and I think she knows that. So, she likes to sort of stay put. Today she is "crawling" all around. And she crawled to me for the first time.

Kenna's got two teeth that she got 2 weeks ago at 9 and a half months. They are the two bottom front teeth. She seems to really enjoy them. She sticks her tongue out a lot to feel the teeth on the bottom of her tongue, and she already has the hang of biting things. She eats her bananas a lot faster now. And she left little teeth marks on a toy baby bottle today.

I call Kenna my 6 month angel because until the last few days with the crawling, she has just sat on the ground and acted like a 6 month old. This is, of course, wonderful because 6 month old babies are gods gift to new moms. They are the best. They do all the fun stuff and none of the crappy stuff. Amen for a 6 month 10 month old. I love it.

McKenna is very social and loving, and I love to cuddle and squeeze her.

She still takes a bottle of formula about every 3 hours. And today for the first time she gestured to a bottle I was putting away and screamed with a "Hey, Give me that," tone of voice. I loved it. So amazing.

Call it wiggling or scootting or whatever, but Kenna can move!! She just came to me for the first time. I doubt she'll ever crawl. Walking? Someday, I'm sure.

I think it is so cute to see a kid holding a toy microphone. But it gets a lot less cute when they start screaming into it. -- Deep thoughts about Kristie Quinn

McKenna loves bananas, and she squealed when she saw a banana in her easter basket this morning. I peel them and hand them to her whole. She just dives in.

New tricks

Kenna can put a blanket over my face and pull it off for peek-a-boo. She can clap with a toy in her had. She can wave with her hand side to side and open and shut. She is starting to say "hi" when she waves. She is starting to put her hands on the ground to support her, and she is reaching more.

Avery McKenna's favorites: peek-a-boo with blanket, her blanket, tim's zipper in gray jacket, waving to people, laundry baskets, Vince.

I just put kenna in her booster seat for dinner. She seemed to beam with pride when I pushed her up to the table. She barely dropped any food. 9 months baby!

Fever

McKenna was really fussy last night before bed, and she woke up with a 101.5 fever. Her whole body was hot except for her left leg. Weird. I thought maybe her sock was cutting off her circulation. I took it off, gave her some Tylenol and put her back to bed. She ate a big breakfast (supper cakes with pear butter yogurt) and is now watching The House of the Lord movie while playing in her exersaucer. I put some lemon and lavender oils on her feet and ear lobes. Tim is sick too, but he won't allow the foot rub. I put lemon oil in his orange juice. My poor babies.

Weening and Waiting

I stopped nursing McKenna last Saturday. It had been about a week. I didn't really ween. I just stopped like I did with Quinn. I started Clomid on Feb. 27, so it just made sense to ween when the clomid was going to help me dry up. I tried not to think about it too much because it really makes me sad. I loved nursing McKenna. I've been trying to hold her more often now that she is not nursing and doesn't automatically get that special time with me. Sometimes she just needs extra attention.

She still isn't moving much, but she is really trying to communicate more. I love when she pushes my hand away when I try to do something to her or give her something. She shakes her head and pushes my hand. She knows what she wants.

She had her first drop of essential oil in a small bottle of prune juice today. She cried for a long time after that and wouldn't eat dinner. It is probably not related.

As for the waiting. I am waiting to get pregnant again, waiting for Kenna to get teeth, move, and talk, and waiting for my chest to go back to normal.

But mostly I am just proud of my Kenna. She is so nice. She love people. She is her own girl. She was a great sport about weening, and she loves corn just like her mama.

We are headed to California on Thursday, and it has never once occurred to me that the flight might be a problem. I remember flying with Quinn at 9 months. It was hard. She was starting to not want to be on the lap. She was standing in the aisle. Different kid, different story, and I like it that way.

Shelly just called to say you are scooting backwards today. Nice work, lady. You normally don't like to move. But feel free to stay little.

Waving

McKenna learned to wave last week. She usually limits to sharing this privilege and communication to Tim and my friend Melissa. But right now she is watching Littler Einsteins and waving at the TV with all her soul. Man, this girls is so cute. I love her so much, obviously. But seriously ... I love that she can't crawl and doesn't seem to want to. She is much more interested in waving at friends, toys and TVs. I love it.

Hugging and Holding

I just can't hug McKenna enough these days. She is a lot more needy than Quinn ever was. I am pretty much a hands off momma. If you cry and cry and cry, it is bedtime. But with Mckenna, I am different. Somedays she just needs extra love. She loves to be held. I have started carrying her around in the baby borjn, and it makes her so happy. It is not ideal for my back, but again, it makes her so happy. She has a the sweetest smile and cutest laugh, and so when she is sad, I figure she diserves whatever she needs. The older Quinn gets the more I love both of my babies. I feel like I can appriciate the baby stage more as I enjoy Quinn's age, too. Does that make sense? Basically, it turns out, I love motherhood more with every baby and every day. That feels nice.

Just had to call the nanny to find out how to get mckenna to take a bottle!!!

Sick (Of Nursing)

McKenna has a cold. Her nose is running none stop, and, of course, she hates to have it wipes. Poor thing. I give her half a tablet of benedryl once or twice a day, and that seems to help, but Tim seems to think that is not safe. (Stupid information on the Internet empowering dad's to be armed with information...) Anyway, I thought she would be doing better today, but she is still all gross.

I have been weening her from nursing, and now that she is sick, but I just want to throw in the towel. I live this little nugget so much, and I especially love holding her and rocking her. I guess I can do all of this with a bottle. I guess it is just a matter of making a new habit.

Basically, I am weening for a few reasons. Selfishly I would like my body back. Everyone knows I am about the least vein of anyone I know, but enough is enough. I am packing on the weight like it is going out of style. And I will never forget how much I loved my body after I stopped nursing Quinn. That was heaven. So that is one reason, but I have also been having troubles with my menstrual cycle. When I left for 5 days for the 3 day walk, my body thought I was done nursing, and I started menstruating again. So on the second cycle after that -- when i was back to nursing fulltime -- the ovulation hormones where fighting the lactation hormones, and I felt like I was going crazy. I got way bloated. I got depressed for like 3 weeks until my body gave up and I got an anovultion cycle (you get your period without having ovulated -- normally about a 40 day cycle). On top of all of that I am planning to go back on clomid and have a new baby.

I guess what I am saying is let's get this show on the road. I would over think it, but it is over. I guess I am just not used to wanting my baby to stay a baby forever. I have always been all about Quinn growing up. But my McKenna is my Kenna-benna baby, and I want her to cuddle with me forever.

7 Months

My angel is 7 months now, but I keep telling people she's 6 months because I forget. And I guess I just don't want my baby to be that old.

She sits up great now, but she cries like a crazy lady if she sees me walk out of the room. Sometimes she stops, but lots of times she does not. That's not fun, but sometimes I do love a reason to hold and cuddle her for hours. I didn't do that much with Quinn; she never really needed it. But sometimes McKenna just needs a little extra love.

The only problem these days is that she doesn't like to be fed food. SHE LIKES TO FEED HERSELF, which is crazy messy and pretty confusing. I don't know what to feed her. Half of the time I cave and just stick a handful of animal crackers right in front of her. But today Bridget suggested using one of those mesh feeders. I have never thought about those for actual food consumption. I always thought they were just for giving babies something to suck on. But I filling the mesh part with apple sauce and then squash, and I think we have a winner. She got pretty messing, but she for sure got a lot in her tummy too. Dear me. At least I have clean kid. And it is certainly not my McKenna baby.

Lately, all I want to do is stay home and hug my kids. I hope McKenna is a cuddler. Quinn cuddles. I love it. And as I said, I love to hold my McKenna. Not all the time like a crazy person, but every now and then when it is just us playing, laughing and hugging.

McKenna's First Christmas

McKenna was, of course, adorable on Christmas morning. She -- unlike her sister -- was very obedient at wearing whatever I wanted her too. So she was one half of a matching pair of Christmas PJs. (Not Quinn's fault for changing. Santa brought her a new night gown.) She loved watching Quinn open things and do things, but she mostly spend her time sitting in her chair by the tree opening her own gifts. She would reach down and find one and then net thing I knew she would have it open. It rocked! She was better at opening than Quinn!!

She was a great addition to Christmas Morning. I think we'll invite her again next year.